Old poetry now new

And so...

the moments that clatter by,

a rush of time, words and feelings

all stop.

Pure clarity in the midst of it all

an 'Oh my god' moment

a 'just so obvious'

and suddenly the world tilts on it's axis

is brighter

then the moments clatter past....

1:07 PM - 8 SEPTEMBER 2007

Gamble Everything

Calm my mind, steady me in the rush,

the flood of my past, hold me close in the current,

let it swirl past, gone, leaving me,

here, in safe warm arms,

feed me patience, knowledge, truth,

peace

with kisses that make time stop

and eyes I could drown in

and the purest passion I've known.

3:42 PM - 26 AUGUST 2007

Banjo and Violin

The night breaks into a thousand shards of morning

Reeling in my mind, absent, lost in confusion, panic,

the blank agonies of memories

Run into solidity

warmth and safety

makes reality more real than before

knowledge and longing

precious mix of time.

3:37 PM - 26 AUGUST 2007

In the moment before waking

I'll know you,

feel you there with me,

snuggle inward to your warmth,

follow the curve of your arm with my hand.

My heart safe,

kept somewhere within you,

but I'll still be me, still free,

unshackled, but linked, closer than ever.

You are there,

somewhere in this momentary time,

I'll find you, be with you,

and my life will no longer be as one.

9:25 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

Cremains

Nails scrape wood,

bare to blood, skin peeled to bone,

desperation at reaching the darkness of earth,

scrabbling, blinded, lost, confused

no gravity,

then a sudden break,

a splintering suddeness rush of sound,

blinding light of night,

and freedom.

Have you ever dug yourself out of your own grave?

9:21 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

happy endings

He led me here to a place where I

dropped, straight down into this so well known

neverending pit of dark, of silence

No write of reply.

And I've been here all along

All it took was that final push

that made the surface cave, crack, break,

Almost Free

written ages ago

9:17 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

started as a love poem

The night slides in,
on butterfly wings,
unnoticed the shadows paint the walls,
welcome darkness wraps itself around me
biting cold ice sharp velvet
the creatures come out to play
with their long wizend nails,
sharp as dead oak,
grey wrinkled skin,
they sidle closer, closer,
pull me under,
suffocate me in my subconcious,
breaking boundries, walls, arches,
triangles strongest,
don't yell, don't yell,
hurts if you....
cry.

11:40 PM - 1 JUNE 2007

lost

Love, Hope and Fate were what I clung to
wrapped myself in, a warm blanket of calm while my life fell apart.
Then tonight,
Tonight the cracks show,
gape wider on the wall of my mind,
the blanket unravells like cats wool,
tangled mess, where once was my heart, my soul
So trapped, so lost, too scared to look up at the horrors that peer,
In through the crevasses oozing black like tar,
Alone, alone, a great empty hall that clings to me like a second skin,
Nails blunt with trying to scrape it away,
skin oozing red,
and where in all this am I?

1:18 AM - 26 MAY 2007

thanks to ts elliot

Like Alice but the rabbit is sadistic,
red glinting eyes, nails scratching like blades at my flesh
as I tumble, trapped in darkness
too narrow to breathe,
Bunny shrieking in my ear,
tied to me, trapped in the narrative
no way out but up, and there is none
Just darkness and falling
and cutting blades of dispair,
not even words can save me now.

1:17 AM - 26 MAY 2007

in dreams may come

My hand brushes yours, still,
lying in a too empty bed,
swear i can feel you, still,
some of you lingers, longed for, lost,
simply need a hand to hold,
the twining of fingers that brings you so close,
so near to my heart, which is still yours, still,
what sacrifice can I make? What can I do to make it better?
Child on christmas eve i lay still
promise to be better, stronger, more whole,happiest, best in the world,good all the time,
if only you were mine,still,
the aura of you lingers and i swear,
My hand brushes yours, still
Can you feel it?

1:16 AM - 26 MAY 2007

scene from the back of a bike

his chin rests on her head
body enfolding her
keeping her warm and safe from the gathering dark in the street
his face pure peace pure love just that moment him and her,
This is what i long for, what lives in my dreams,
my reality is the dark shattered version,
he binds me to him, or thrusts me away to be swallowed by the tendrils of the night
the evil shattered darkness that slices and burns
leaves me there to shake and scream,
waiting alone till he decides to pull me out
one handed, with that always smile

8:57 PM - 23 MAY 2007

4 M J S

It used to be warmth and comfort
bands of velvet smooth, yet crushing
now the razor blades bite deep
cut both ways
each time we move the blood runs faster
pools of crimson covering the floor
dried in patches, so old, so long
but what cuts what binds
when my mind can't even recognise the start?

9:08 PM - 22 MAY 2007

new poetry

ok this isn't a poem but i finally worked out how to get my mailing list to work, and there is new poetry on my blog so come, read, one and all Hugs

11:50 PM - 21 MAY 2007

obfuscation....

you take the peices of me,

put them together, till I'm almost whole,

then shake the box,

and I'm shrapnel, a series of disjointed moments,

confusion sparks confusion

and my thoughts fall like domino's

One word and down they go.

So tired of the maybe, of the almost,

But holding on is all I have,

So hold on I will because,

Light and Life and Hope are with you,

Fate is with you, you compliment me,

And even when I fall apart, it's with a smile,

it's with the knowledge of resolve,

safety you can give me and i trust you will,

thats it, i trust, faith, hope and love

and trust once more.

11:32 PM - 21 MAY 2007

peices of me (thanks jewel)

you left me lying,

crying, curled on the floor, hard tile bitten knees,

grazed and bleeding inside and out,

inside falling,

threads of memory,

shattered mirror reflections of the hours or minutes,

between the black curtains on the stage of my mind,

broken beads of blood, clot forming strings,

my memory crushed, reformed.

But you have no peices of me,

sadness and sorrow and pain but not me,

I belong to me alone and one other,

and you can't rip me wide enough, jam yourself deep enough, smash my memory enough

to ever take that away.

10:57 PM - 21 MAY 2007

dial tone

scary how much we trust on nothing,

on words just read.

on something just felt.

Scary how close I get to someone,

on words just read

on something just felt.

minds play tricks with my emotions

on words just read,

on something just felt

and then

comes the pain, the loss, the realisation ,the devistation, the fear, the pure panic, that something you thought alive has died, but then...

the knowledge that friendship is more than 10 hours

Dial Tone

1:54 AM - 14 MAY 2007

1.43

heaven would be warm,

someone i loved with their arms around me and

one eye half open bleary look at the world

before sinking into the darkness of mindlessness.

Instead i have the endless coils,

the spiral snake that traces the inside of my brain,

faster with each heartbeat,

eating it's own tail as it hisses every horror

every maybe,

everything I would never desire,

endlessly, endlessly,

'now the drugs don't work, they just make it worse'

endlessly, endlessly,

tail swallowing dread,

razor blade scales scratch my sanity,

bleeding what what left of calm into the bright red panic of midnight

and beyond,

always beyond.

Alone.

1:53 AM - 14 MAY 2007

Merlot

Bright moon in the sky,

tilts on crazy angles in the back of my head,

pulls me close,

lets my mind escape,

my feelings dance,

you're a heartbeat away,

Want to sing, dance, be wild,

Be me once more,

the me that got lost, escaped from confusion,

want to swing from the tilting moon,

lost in your eyes.

8:49 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

something old, something borrowed, something blue, something

Give me hope,

make me smile,

rescue me from the endless coils of my soul,

let me play,

come out from round the corner,

show you my soul,

this corner, here,

let me know you,

let me see you too,

imaginary friend made real,

perfect in so many ways,

let me play?

8:45 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

Scarecrow tiggy

Thought chases thought

through the maze of my mind,

cliched pathways,

passion and longing in equal measure,

push against boundries,

pull me through doors long forgotten,

often locked.

Hope and fear in equal measure,

cover every inch of my skin,

pressure for pressure,

pulling their way in through the pores,

agony of the unknown,

chases what i shouldn't do,

guilt streaming through the pathways of my mind.

8:41 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

The endless repeating

The fear of repeating school days
governs the poem that I write

The fear of whats hidden in my mind
keeps me awake at night

the fear of the endless repeating of all the endless lyrics
the endless neverending struggle
the endless neverending
the endless
endless
endless
ness

And the words that just reciprocate
the neverending fears

and the words that force my hand, my mind,
they're driving me to tears

the pain that no one else can see
the pain that no one knows
and the pain that I'm so over
so far over yet it grows.

The disbelief of self
that doesn't allow for a way round it
and I'm feeling so disjointed
lost alone and worn unfounded...





 

to winters evenings...

To winters evenings
in narrow bedded, grey bricked student flats,
to tearing yourself away,
to timed passion,
by the hour,
unpaid.

To cold communal couches,
kisses stolen in darkened cafe corners,
in alleyways,
mid-pavement,
unprovoked.

To loving in another region of my mind,
to feeling more than all thats left behind
feeling that much younger,
teenage love,
stolen.

To 'only every second day'
new rules and lost thoughtfulness
to acting younger being older
lost somewhere
inbetween

So, heres to you
and heres to me
and heres to one of those years
to winters eveings
to timed passion
to teenage love
to single beds
to socks left on
to uniforms
to the grey bricked student flats.

And here again's to moving on
to finding more, to finding sun,
to light after darkness,
to happiness after disaster
to growing up
to growing old
to learning without being told,
to caring and consideration,
to no loss now, consolidation.
and theres my hope for better days,
due now to explicible delays.
understood.

and i see...

and I see,
sunlight, through the many paned windows of a wearhouse where I can nearly touch the sky
and i see,
mornings when I'm safe and warm, entagled quilt no need to run and hide,
and i see,
walls of books,
photographs of fading looks,
images that sing and dance to me,
plays and poetry,
futures gleaming.

and i see,
alarm clock whirring gently while your sleeping and the sky is purple now
and i see,
street lights gleaming as they buzz past on my way into town,
and i see,
faces of my friends to come,
rehearsal room,
the stage I'm on,
the moment, moment, moment,
of this moment
futures gleaming.

and you.
without you theres an empty space
and you
an empty space that no-one can replace
you.


and i see.
firelight as night closes in bright moon behind curtains
and i see
shadows chase their way accross your face a flickering smile a moments frown,
and i see
warm arms and a safer place,
kisses, reading, time to waste,
the perfect inperfection of this moment
makes this future real.

a shattered lightbulb

The moments that I'm watching pass me by
as I collect the peices from the floor
it dropped
unexpectedly
suddenly shattered
silently almost invisible
pop
and the light was gone
no way to see any longer
no way to view the world
frame of reference
but the glimpses in the passing headlights
then the new
the shiny hope
unboxed
to replace the old, flickering, dull
dropped and
without a sound
in that absense of implosion
the shards accross acres and miles,
embedded in my palm,
fingers
and floor
peiced together slowly
the larger bits were found by moonlight
the smaller by touch, prickle, sudden sharp pains and jagged edge glass cuts
the impossibility of a globe like jigsaw
if i get it wrong it hurts
if i go looking it hurts
if i don't, i stumble and it hurts
pain, no matter what.
The shiny hope dropped and
I am scrambling, bleeding,
on the floor in the flashes of headlight alone,
red streaking tears,
light gone,
alone.

why?

make me feel like such an idiot
make me feel like such a fool
did you honestly believe
i never find out it was you?
You listened like you didn't know
your beautiful white lies
just cut
and leave me stranded
in a sea of watching eyes
is privacy so hard to comprehend?
is knowing how this would make me feel
how this would make me bend and keel
falling into the wind
of last words said
of last dreams read
of why why why
of denyl and betrayl and the never ending 'i'
that surrounds you
why i missed it,
i guess i'll never know
you had your own reasons
i feel a fool,you happy now?
the depth of just this
how?
determined to destroy me?
am i that much of a cow?
did I really make your life that bad,
that you will destroy mine,
taking first my heart,
then trust,
then crumbling them,
divine,
the twist while I sway watching in the wind,
that only destroys me,
i tried to give you everything,
are you that blind?
can't you see?
the damage this has wrought,
I'm sure all for your own protection,
well guess what hon,
theres nothing more,
for you to protect yourself from,
i don't know where I start
and I don't know where I end,
a crumbled mass of what one was peices,
years and years to mend.
so any friend that once was,
is no longer here,
thank you for destroying me,
saved me the hassle, dear.


--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

green light

I call you in the morning,
do you really thing I'm that niave,
just turn that stupid green light off,
and I might believe it wasn't me,
and you made me scared and nervous,
and excited to be me,
but now i feel i don't know you
and that you want to be totally free,
so go, but let me know that,
go but don't just leave me, hanging here,
go and be happy,
go and be free.
Go but just once,
let it be me.
I don't quite get your new rules,
you've changed in just a few days
i gave away to much i know,
surrendered to your gaze,
and then my heart was hopeful,
but now i can just see,
you're just like anyone of them,
and always last comes, me
so go and have your freedom,
go and have your life,
your words while amazing,
well they might have changed my life,
but no they just confuse and hurt,
i gave away to much,
that stupid blinking green light,
the feeling of your touch.
So go and I'll cry for a while,
but that was not the point,
go and live your freer life and smaoke another joit,
and forget that i exist,
forget all that i feel,
but maybe just this moment know, I'm confused, I hurt, I feel.

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.