Prose - ish musings and Meandering

Old poetry now new

2009-12-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

And so...

the moments that clatter by,

a rush of time, words and feelings

all stop.

Pure clarity in the midst of it all

an 'Oh my god' moment

a 'just so obvious'

and suddenly the world tilts on it's axis

is brighter

then the moments clatter past....

1:07 PM - 8 SEPTEMBER 2007

Gamble Everything

Calm my mind, steady me in the rush,

the flood of my past, hold me close in the current,

let it swirl past, gone, leaving me,

here, in safe warm arms,

feed me patience, knowledge, truth,

peace

with kisses that make time stop

and eyes I could drown in

and the purest passion I've known.

3:42 PM - 26 AUGUST 2007

Banjo and Violin

The night breaks into a thousand shards of morning

Reeling in my mind, absent, lost in confusion, panic,

the blank agonies of memories

Run into solidity

warmth and safety

makes reality more real than before

knowledge and longing

precious mix of time.

3:37 PM - 26 AUGUST 2007

In the moment before waking

I'll know you,

feel you there with me,

snuggle inward to your warmth,

follow the curve of your arm with my hand.

My heart safe,

kept somewhere within you,

but I'll still be me, still free,

unshackled, but linked, closer than ever.

You are there,

somewhere in this momentary time,

I'll find you, be with you,

and my life will no longer be as one.

9:25 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

Cremains

Nails scrape wood,

bare to blood, skin peeled to bone,

desperation at reaching the darkness of earth,

scrabbling, blinded, lost, confused

no gravity,

then a sudden break,

a splintering suddeness rush of sound,

blinding light of night,

and freedom.

Have you ever dug yourself out of your own grave?

9:21 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

happy endings

He led me here to a place where I

dropped, straight down into this so well known

neverending pit of dark, of silence

No write of reply.

And I've been here all along

All it took was that final push

that made the surface cave, crack, break,

Almost Free

written ages ago

9:17 PM - 8 AUGUST 2007

The night slides in,
on butterfly wings,
unnoticed the shadows paint the walls,
welcome darkness wraps itself around me
biting cold ice sharp velvet
the creatures come out to play
with their long wizend nails,
sharp as dead oak,
grey wrinkled skin,
they sidle closer, closer,
pull me under,
suffocate me in my subconcious,
breaking boundries, walls, arches,
triangles strongest,
don't yell, don't yell,
hurts if you....
cry.

11:40 PM - 1 JUNE 2007

lost

Love, Hope and Fate were what I clung to
wrapped myself in, a warm blanket of calm while my life fell apart.
Then tonight,
Tonight the cracks show,
gape wider on the wall of my mind,
the blanket unravells like cats wool,
tangled mess, where once was my heart, my soul
So trapped, so lost, too scared to look up at the horrors that peer,
In through the crevasses oozing black like tar,
Alone, alone, a great empty hall that clings to me like a second skin,
Nails blunt with trying to scrape it away,
skin oozing red,
and where in all this am I?

1:18 AM - 26 MAY 2007

thanks to ts elliot

Like Alice but the rabbit is sadistic,
red glinting eyes, nails scratching like blades at my flesh
as I tumble, trapped in darkness
too narrow to breathe,
Bunny shrieking in my ear,
tied to me, trapped in the narrative
no way out but up, and there is none
Just darkness and falling
and cutting blades of dispair,
not even words can save me now.

1:17 AM - 26 MAY 2007

in dreams may come

My hand brushes yours, still,
lying in a too empty bed,
swear i can feel you, still,
some of you lingers, longed for, lost,
simply need a hand to hold,
the twining of fingers that brings you so close,
so near to my heart, which is still yours, still,
what sacrifice can I make? What can I do to make it better?
Child on christmas eve i lay still
promise to be better, stronger, more whole,happiest, best in the world,good all the time,
if only you were mine,still,
the aura of you lingers and i swear,
My hand brushes yours, still
Can you feel it?

1:16 AM - 26 MAY 2007

scene from the back of a bike

his chin rests on her head
body enfolding her
keeping her warm and safe from the gathering dark in the street
his face pure peace pure love just that moment him and her,
This is what i long for, what lives in my dreams,
my reality is the dark shattered version,
he binds me to him, or thrusts me away to be swallowed by the tendrils of the night
the evil shattered darkness that slices and burns
leaves me there to shake and scream,
waiting alone till he decides to pull me out
one handed, with that always smile

8:57 PM - 23 MAY 2007

4 M J S

It used to be warmth and comfort
bands of velvet smooth, yet crushing
now the razor blades bite deep
cut both ways
each time we move the blood runs faster
pools of crimson covering the floor
dried in patches, so old, so long
but what cuts what binds
when my mind can't even recognise the start?

9:08 PM - 22 MAY 2007

new poetry

ok this isn't a poem but i finally worked out how to get my mailing list to work, and there is new poetry on my blog so come, read, one and all Hugs

11:50 PM - 21 MAY 2007

obfuscation....

you take the peices of me,

put them together, till I'm almost whole,

then shake the box,

and I'm shrapnel, a series of disjointed moments,

confusion sparks confusion

and my thoughts fall like domino's

One word and down they go.

So tired of the maybe, of the almost,

But holding on is all I have,

So hold on I will because,

Light and Life and Hope are with you,

Fate is with you, you compliment me,

And even when I fall apart, it's with a smile,

it's with the knowledge of resolve,

safety you can give me and i trust you will,

thats it, i trust, faith, hope and love

and trust once more.

11:32 PM - 21 MAY 2007

peices of me (thanks jewel)

you left me lying,

crying, curled on the floor, hard tile bitten knees,

grazed and bleeding inside and out,

inside falling,

threads of memory,

shattered mirror reflections of the hours or minutes,

between the black curtains on the stage of my mind,

broken beads of blood, clot forming strings,

my memory crushed, reformed.

But you have no peices of me,

sadness and sorrow and pain but not me,

I belong to me alone and one other,

and you can't rip me wide enough, jam yourself deep enough, smash my memory enough

to ever take that away.

10:57 PM - 21 MAY 2007

dial tone

scary how much we trust on nothing,

on words just read.

on something just felt.

Scary how close I get to someone,

on words just read

on something just felt.

minds play tricks with my emotions

on words just read,

on something just felt

and then

comes the pain, the loss, the realisation ,the devistation, the fear, the pure panic, that something you thought alive has died, but then...

the knowledge that friendship is more than 10 hours

Dial Tone

1:54 AM - 14 MAY 2007

1.43

heaven would be warm,

someone i loved with their arms around me and

one eye half open bleary look at the world

before sinking into the darkness of mindlessness.

Instead i have the endless coils,

the spiral snake that traces the inside of my brain,

faster with each heartbeat,

eating it's own tail as it hisses every horror

every maybe,

everything I would never desire,

endlessly, endlessly,

'now the drugs don't work, they just make it worse'

endlessly, endlessly,

tail swallowing dread,

razor blade scales scratch my sanity,

bleeding what what left of calm into the bright red panic of midnight

and beyond,

always beyond.

Alone.

1:53 AM - 14 MAY 2007

Merlot

Bright moon in the sky,

tilts on crazy angles in the back of my head,

pulls me close,

lets my mind escape,

my feelings dance,

you're a heartbeat away,

Want to sing, dance, be wild,

Be me once more,

the me that got lost, escaped from confusion,

want to swing from the tilting moon,

lost in your eyes.

8:49 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

something old, something borrowed, something blue, something

Give me hope,

make me smile,

rescue me from the endless coils of my soul,

let me play,

come out from round the corner,

show you my soul,

this corner, here,

let me know you,

let me see you too,

imaginary friend made real,

perfect in so many ways,

let me play?

8:45 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

Scarecrow tiggy

Thought chases thought

through the maze of my mind,

cliched pathways,

passion and longing in equal measure,

push against boundries,

pull me through doors long forgotten,

often locked.

Hope and fear in equal measure,

cover every inch of my skin,

pressure for pressure,

pulling their way in through the pores,

agony of the unknown,

chases what i shouldn't do,

guilt streaming through the pathways of my mind.

8:41 PM - 29 APRIL 2007

The endless repeating

2009-08-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

The fear of repeating school days
governs the poem that I write

The fear of whats hidden in my mind
keeps me awake at night

the fear of the endless repeating of all the endless lyrics
the endless neverending struggle
the endless neverending
the endless
endless
endless
ness

And the words that just reciprocate
the neverending fears

and the words that force my hand, my mind,
they're driving me to tears

the pain that no one else can see
the pain that no one knows
and the pain that I'm so over
so far over yet it grows.

The disbelief of self
that doesn't allow for a way round it
and I'm feeling so disjointed
lost alone and worn unfounded...

to winters evenings...

2009-08-01T06:36:00.001-07:00

To winters evenings
in narrow bedded, grey bricked student flats,
to tearing yourself away,
to timed passion,
by the hour,
unpaid.

To cold communal couches,
kisses stolen in darkened cafe corners,
in alleyways,
mid-pavement,
unprovoked.

To loving in another region of my mind,
to feeling more than all thats left behind
feeling that much younger,
teenage love,
stolen.

To 'only every second day'
new rules and lost thoughtfulness
to acting younger being older
lost somewhere
inbetween

So, heres to you
and heres to me
and heres to one of those years
to winters eveings
to timed passion
to teenage love
to single beds
to socks left on
to uniforms
to the grey bricked student flats.

And here again's to moving on
to finding more, to finding sun,
to light after darkness,
to happiness after disaster
to growing up
to growing old
to learning without being told,
to caring and consideration,
to no loss now, consolidation.
and theres my hope for better days,
due now to explicible delays.
understood.

and i see...

2009-07-27T05:21:00.001-07:00

and I see,
sunlight, through the many paned windows of a wearhouse where I can nearly touch the sky
and i see,
mornings when I'm safe and warm, entagled quilt no need to run and hide,
and i see,
walls of books,
photographs of fading looks,
images that sing and dance to me,
plays and poetry,
futures gleaming.

and i see,
alarm clock whirring gently while your sleeping and the sky is purple now
and i see,
street lights gleaming as they buzz past on my way into town,
and i see,
faces of my friends to come,
rehearsal room,
the stage I'm on,
the moment, moment, moment,
of this moment
futures gleaming.

and you.
without you theres an empty space
and you
an empty space that no-one can replace
you.

and i see.
firelight as night closes in bright moon behind curtains
and i see
shadows chase their way accross your face a flickering smile a moments frown,
and i see
warm arms and a safer place,
kisses, reading, time to waste,
the perfect inperfection of this moment
makes this future real.

a shattered lightbulb

2009-07-24T04:48:00.001-07:00

The moments that I'm watching pass me by
as I collect the peices from the floor
it dropped
unexpectedly
suddenly shattered
silently almost invisible
pop
and the light was gone
no way to see any longer
no way to view the world
frame of reference
but the glimpses in the passing headlights
then the new
the shiny hope
unboxed
to replace the old, flickering, dull
dropped and
without a sound
in that absense of implosion
the shards accross acres and miles,
embedded in my palm,
fingers
and floor
peiced together slowly
the larger bits were found by moonlight
the smaller by touch, prickle, sudden sharp pains and jagged edge glass cuts
the impossibility of a globe like jigsaw
if i get it wrong it hurts
if i go looking it hurts
if i don't, i stumble and it hurts
pain, no matter what.
The shiny hope dropped and
I am scrambling, bleeding,
on the floor in the flashes of headlight alone,
red streaking tears,
light gone,
alone.

why?

2009-07-12T07:02:00.001-07:00

make me feel like such an idiot
make me feel like such a fool
did you honestly believe
i never find out it was you?
You listened like you didn't know
your beautiful white lies
just cut
and leave me stranded
in a sea of watching eyes
is privacy so hard to comprehend?
is knowing how this would make me feel
how this would make me bend and keel
falling into the wind
of last words said
of last dreams read
of why why why
of denyl and betrayl and the never ending 'i'
that surrounds you
why i missed it,
i guess i'll never know
you had your own reasons
i feel a fool,you happy now?
the depth of just this
how?
determined to destroy me?
am i that much of a cow?
did I really make your life that bad,
that you will destroy mine,
taking first my heart,
then trust,
then crumbling them,
divine,
the twist while I sway watching in the wind,
that only destroys me,
i tried to give you everything,
are you that blind?
can't you see?
the damage this has wrought,
I'm sure all for your own protection,
well guess what hon,
theres nothing more,
for you to protect yourself from,
i don't know where I start
and I don't know where I end,
a crumbled mass of what one was peices,
years and years to mend.
so any friend that once was,
is no longer here,
thank you for destroying me,
saved me the hassle, dear.

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

green light

2009-07-11T02:48:00.001-07:00

I call you in the morning,
do you really thing I'm that niave,
just turn that stupid green light off,
and I might believe it wasn't me,
and you made me scared and nervous,
and excited to be me,
but now i feel i don't know you
and that you want to be totally free,
so go, but let me know that,
go but don't just leave me, hanging here,
go and be happy,
go and be free.
Go but just once,
let it be me.
I don't quite get your new rules,
you've changed in just a few days
i gave away to much i know,
surrendered to your gaze,
and then my heart was hopeful,
but now i can just see,
you're just like anyone of them,
and always last comes, me
so go and have your freedom,
go and have your life,
your words while amazing,
well they might have changed my life,
but no they just confuse and hurt,
i gave away to much,
that stupid blinking green light,
the feeling of your touch.
So go and I'll cry for a while,
but that was not the point,
go and live your freer life and smaoke another joit,
and forget that i exist,
forget all that i feel,
but maybe just this moment know, I'm confused, I hurt, I feel.

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

yet again we attempt.....kinda song lyrics

2009-07-11T01:59:00.001-07:00

Another tango on a plate glass floor,
and I'm wondering, I'm wondering,
If this kind of painful falling for,
is worth pondering, worth pondering.

And the times I leave behind me,
and what I'm searching for
and the world it stretches out beneath
the plate glass floor.

Another morning, rain is falling,
and I'm wondering Im wondering
if the kind of life that i've been looking for
is worth wandering worth wandering

And the times I leave behind me,
and who I'm searching for
and the city stretches out beneath
the plate glass floor.

And suddenly its ceiling,
everything is upside down
and I just just wrote this feeling
and the earth is falling down
and I'm alone (alone)
alone.

So I'm standing on the celing,
and my world has fallen down,
and I'm wondering, i'm wondering,
if the who and why and wherefore,
and the arms I leave behind
are left wondering left wondering.

and so the final tago's over,
leaving me in rocks and dirt,
and I've never felt this happy and I'e never felt this worth while,
digging through the mud again,
my skirt in disrepair,
but alone and no longer waiting
to see who will be there..

Another morning on the earth once more
and I'm wondering ,I'm wondering,
if no one came to catch me in my epic fall
I'm still pondering, left pondering..

The why and who the wherefore
and all thats in between..
just please don't ever wake me from this dream.....

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

meh - work in progress....

2009-07-10T04:35:00.001-07:00

His Love is like falling down an endless wall,
Like a coat that doesn't quite fit
like balancing before the fall

Like waiting for the shoe to drop,
waiting at a closed down station,
for a train that never arrives

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

took what I had to give...

2009-07-09T20:56:00.001-07:00

So why do I do this,
the endless circle of hope,
of waiting,
they take what they want and they're gone.

The grey rain on the windowpane,
the quiet rustle of plain sheets,
the moment after waking where
you forget.
they take what they want then they're gone

interstate, Overseas, Onward and Upward,
out of sight,
out of mind,
leaving me with skinned knees,
bleeding torn apart heart
no space to breathe in anymore.

they take what they want then they're gone.

the lies that they hide behind,
hidden words,
hidden lives,
hidden lies.

they take what they wan't then they're gone.

except for the dead dull ache,
the missing peice,
the exhaustion,
they took what they wanted and left...

and i, poor fool,
belived them,
gave them,
idiot child....

--
Youll never touch - these things that I hold -The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own-Youll never feel the heat of this soul-My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you-Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems-Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high-But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. - Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise.

meh - needs work

2009-07-07T03:31:00.000-07:00

condesation
blurs my view
no race to be found
evening s red and yellow glow
fades and passes with each blink
each shutter moment gone
past time
and in the space of reverb
the secondary glow
fading, lost, alone.
all cold hands,
no warmth any longer
mind a stilted gap a swiss cheese mass
of beyond exhustion
wrap me mummy like
cocooned , un bruised, some warmth remaining.
And now I rest.

watching time.....

2009-07-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

the lyrics of a favorite artist
echo through my mind
one part at least
watching the grey waves and spinning cirlced dots
i'm waiting
on my real life to begin
which is a rip off
of an old line
but never the less true
waiting for the moments when
moments when
moments when
record stuck on repeat
needle stuck in the grooves
and how you feel it
i'm dying here
fading out in twilight esperence
in agony of sleep
and all this this
meandering
does nothing to make me whole
but simply seems to colour
a small, infentisimal part of soul.

Scuttle

2009-06-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

Never let me live like these
Ant people in their burrows,
small and hidden,
on mass mirror image homes,
scurrying, scurrying,
always hurrying, to do, to do,
this is how their babies will be too.
Parked in cars in morning traffic,
in their burrows,
mirror image plastic.

Never let me live like these.
Let my life be so much more,
than who spilt what on the kitchen floor.
In homes, old walls, cracked and plaster
In passions ending in disaster,
Let me live my loves,
be the better for doing so,
Unchained by life,
by constant No.

Let me hope that life will turn around,
I and he will match in sound,
in tone of moment,
passing, fleeting.
Another dawn, another greeting.

morning side

2009-06-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

The dead black greyling morning sky,
Trees like paper cut outs pass,
to the slowly moving thrum and pull
of engines past my own control.

I stare back at myself -
this womb-room felt so safe, so over warm but empty,
as though this mere reflection
is all thats left of me

Sodium dots the landscape
lighter than when I began
did I begin?
and if not when and where the end?

My heart keeps time with sleepers thrumming

new beats surpass old like trading silver for gold
then discovering its fools,
or heavily forged iron, red hot and burning,
scorch marks in my chest, lessons I am learning, of lost love, emptiness and death.

Heres to other eyes than his,
Other hands and other voices,
Lord help me, I'm out of choices,
And that makes me unsafe

Watching townships
tracts of blocks, same yet different
Cars that chase us.
Nearing home and journeys end alone.

Witing, waiting for the sun
and night best over 12 hours away.
Lost, alone accept in a musish kind of way.
Empty now.
Dawn has broken
feeling my cracks gaping more.

Can't confide it, can't repress it
other arms and other shores,
many other lips than yours.

Ad Astra

2009-06-29T03:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on a train,
and I'm wondering if I've lost my mind,
and I stare at my reflection and I find it just so hard to find.
And I wonder at the words,
thoughts that ramble throught my head.
And I'm trying to read literature,
and listening to my pain instead.
And I know the puzzle peice I left behind me I will never have again
As I am sitting, aching, racing through the night by train.

And my heart breaks a little more each minite
and the hole where it once was,well, it has sombody in it.
And I'm tired and I'm scared that I have made the worst mistake of all,
that above everybody I chose the most wrong one to catch my fall

But love it knows no limits and it's boundries they surprise me and
I long for just one moment, just a second to remind me,
why I asked him just to leave and how I could be that foolish.
To ignore and not adore, just seems stupid , grim and boorish.

He was calm and I felt safe,
and now I just don't anymore.

It hurts , it feels much worse, oh so much worse than ever before.
Because I've lost my one true love; came close to losing friend
and because now I am heart-less,
though i hope one day the breech will mend.

It is he I would give a lifetime to adore
It is he - I'd move my world right to his door
But I was stupid/foolish and now it's all disaster...
And my aching heart will bleed for him
and the tears run faster.

All that I can do is hope that he can see another way,
to love me as he did so long ago,
he had my heart for all this time,
HOW could I NOT know?

The train it rattles on and tears are running down my cheek,
and I cannot stand another moment, second, minute, week...
But I will because he loves me even though it isn't in.
His heart is worth overcoming others and my sin

But crying I am still, and I feel the break inside me,
and the ink it smudges lenthwise, in this small pathetic diary
of emotion, which no one will see or ever ever know,
hands grow weary with my pain
at last its time to go.

unbelivers #2

2008-11-09T03:39:00.000-08:00

You tied me down
and poured your acid in my ears
poison tongue licking gleefully
round vowels and curving the
consinants into razors edges

My mind screams white lighting pain
of disbelief
of loss
the snuffing out, the slow fizz of dowsing candle flame
an aching agony

my truth, my world extinguished in your moment
you are king
and i watch you watch me
fighting for my last true thought
kicking on the turned ground.

Unbelievers

2008-11-09T03:35:00.000-08:00

Words can burn
acid in the ear canal
as Hamlet proposed
slowly eating out your brain
until
oh horatio
we are nothing more than
ghosts that whisper
on our own castle walls
unbelived, unheard, unseen.

A fixed position,
stone, unbreakable,
tied to it, our knowledge,
but unheard and unseen
the words that shut our words away
the words that make our words a play
a play within a play horatio.

I constantly seek Hamlet
one hamlet
who will hear a safe place
space
Belief
pure undoubting
no words of acid that crusify my brain.

Last Night

2008-05-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas,
But what if it don't?
What happens in my head stays in my head,
But what if it won't?

and it won't because it has the claws
of a thousand knives and a thousand moments lost
it stares at me with jet pool eyes
reflecting what I've lost.

I've been away for a while now,
you've got me feeling like a child now.

which cuts and burns at my sepreateness,
the part of me I keep for me,
yearns for a space, a time, freedom,
screams, cries, beats its fists on the locked door s of my mind,
in agony of terror.

Keep it down,
locked down,
lost down in the well of sorrows,
recreate the mask you swore you'd never wear,
hide in the vale of shadows.

Feel empty, lost, alone
but at least through others smiles,
there might be a moment that you smile,
a peice of peace.

don't go through anything,
don't deal that hand,
hold insanity close to the voice in my head,
that keeps my running, circles, smaller, smaller,
ever lost,
ever glades of night.

Night and freedom,
nightmare show me me
nightmares I am free,
pain is true and real and can be,
nightmares I am me.

daytime sunshine flowers rainbows,
no pain, no not allowed,
keep going , doing being,
don't relate, don't suffer to feel,
don't, DON"T attempt to put yourself back together,
to solder the cracks that exist,
paper over it all with mask like smiles and words of little meaning.

exist through space and time in the back of your mind.
dissassociate from you
from her
from she
seperate, over there, watch her fuck, watch her smile, watch her play the game of life
while you scream at the walls of your white box, smeared with blood red,
make scars not war
make scars that free my mind,
don't be real, don't be here, be empty hollow ice cold, frozen emotion,
and wait for the night.

Cry in the shower where they can't hear,
Cry in your dreams where they can't see,
never speak of what you fear or long for,
in fact just never be.
Be an image an icon a painted glass shard,
a prison for you,
haven't you learnt by now
its all anyone wants anyway?

No one wants reality,
no one wants the sting, the bite, to watch you hurt, to care?
what made you so stupid as to think you could ever have that?
what made you such an idiot that you would let yourself show?
haven't you learnt?
Didn't they teach you?
Stay inside, stay away, never let them in,
because then it cuts like ice,
like razor blades make you bleed,
hide behind blood.

and smile.

time.....

2008-02-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

sitting
feeling heart beats, fast then faster,
fears cloud my mind, my thoughts,
sadness,
emptiness,
not understanding,
loss and fear,
an empty absense of place,
of time,
of being,
fear that what was no longer is,
three words,
just so unsaid,
need to imbibe before, during after,
am i really what he wants?
or is it some blurred half seen,
mainly ignored image?
tears and exhaustion bring quiet at last.

have you ever....

2008-02-03T04:35:00.000-08:00

Felt dust motes with your mind,
before you saw them,
dancing in the midday haze,
wich surrounds the blade of grass?
Felt the touch of a leaf on your cheek,
pressed close enough for impression,
new veins, not yours?
Felt time run away,
gathering itself like a horse for a fence,
then the suspended leap,
the great yawning paused neverending gap of hours,
until it thuds to the ground?
Felt, literally, your shattered heart,
meld and form again,
with pain but freedom and strength too?

Ties That Bind

2008-02-03T04:31:00.000-08:00

Moments shift,
time has no meaning in this place,
mind focused on one,
one touch,
skin on skin,
nothing else,
but breath,
sounds,
completion,
finally feeling whole again,
made new,
then light,
sudden shock trembling wall,
next time.

Dust Serpents

2008-01-31T00:49:00.000-08:00

Keep me here,
in this moment,
dust spiralling music beats,
movement between,
air, space, feeling,
without touch,
under it all the beat,
mirrors the heart,
the heat,
an image of what runs in my blood,
drowning in eyes that calm and cool,
mind forgotten,
just a heart that beats,
or two beating slightly out of time,
but wrappend hand over glove,
peace in chaos.

Grrrrrr

2008-01-13T04:10:00.000-08:00

The dream - dogs prowl,
once more outside my door,
wanting me to give up, give in,
surrender to tooth and claw.

Their longing overwhelms me
and I so yearn to be free
from the chain that binds the dream-dogs
mind to mind to mind to me.

They pad around my bead each night,
They breathe my dreams to black,
And every night I'm terrified,
I will not beat them back.

Their weight presses down upon me,
like a hundred weight of lead,
these dream-dogs chained into my mind
Who chain me to my bed.

blatherings of mind early evening

2008-01-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

Is it my mind only that paints you in this light?
Half caught, mid breath in dimness, shadows fall and fading night.
Whose stars would lie before you,
if this poem was that kind.
Instead it explores merely
the far reaches of my mind.

For in you is this light, this fire,
which warms and keeps me strong.
Your arms that keep me safe from harm,
far as the day is long.

But this, do I imagine?
Or is it really here?
I swear I knew it, know it
and it blights my darkest fear.

It's the part of you I recognised
Before I knew you true,
and the part of you that knows I know
and knows me through and through.

So surely this is truely real,
I've worked this out before,
It's here and with you I belong,
and why should I want more?

Burblings in an office

2008-01-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

Moments pass, and endless stream
of time which frees me from
my prior bonds and ties.

Moments pass quickly then you'll go.

Hold me here in momentary time.

Don't let my spirit go faster than it needs to know.

Your eyes enthrall and moments freeze in passage
through the night

Our hands entwined feel inevitably placed, just so.

Let now be forever, oh whatever
spirit there may be

And Keep me here with you -
And stop me from destroying me

None yet again

2008-01-13T03:58:00.000-08:00

Help me put the puzzle peices back,
Pick up all 52,
Make the picture on I make it,
Not a shattered looking glass,
Here's my hand, I trust you, take it,
know this pain will oneday pass.
Soon.

None yet

2008-01-13T03:55:00.000-08:00

Draw me deeper with each glance,
Break down the walls
Hold me, safe and solid at arms length
where my nails can't reach your heart.
Hold me close,
but not too close
- you don't know the damage I can do
Make me yours, always, forever,
gentle me to you.
Calm my shattered mind,
free my limbs from flight or fight.

Caffine Rush

2008-01-13T03:52:00.000-08:00

Drunk on coffee and kisses
I fell into your arms
past time, past meaning,
safe and warm,
hold away the nightmare till tomorrow
becomes daymare,
becomes life
drunk on your coffee and kisses
I fall into you